Quick Updates / Saturday, February 10, 2007
Sorry I haven't been updating, been busy with my studies lately and of course, been busy with Janina. How are we? We're doing great=D. Uhm, everytime we go online we either chat the night away or play toki toki boom. Lol. She's really good with that game and I had the luck to beat her for only one time. Haha! So yeah, didn't have much chance to update this thing lately.
So what did I do today?Nothing really interesting. I studied history, for like 4 hours. Lol, i love history. You can't blame me since it's actually in my blood. Then played basketball with a couple of friends down at the beach court. It was cool in the beach today. The weather was nice, people were all around, your typical satuday morning beach. Then after that we went to subway to grab something to eat.. Met a few cool people there. There was Jes, this dude who runs a surf shop just across the street. Carmen, his girlfriend. And Tina, the surfer girl. Lol. We went home after a while to take a bath, it was really getting hot. Then met again in the mall. Yeah, I had to go to the mall to buy SOMEONE a gift. Lol. Hope she likes it. Anyway, So Tina and I got to hang out with her boyfriend for a while. Found myself talking about Janina most of the time. Haha! They're cool people.
/It ends at this point
7:04 PM
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL / Monday, February 05, 2007
The internet has been around for a long time now, and it's main objective/goal is to make communication easier. Yes there's actually more to the internet than porn. Anyway, standing firmly by my statement about the internet making communication easier, messengers, chatrooms, emails, etc. has been around here since the beginning. E-mails were brought about, introducing the innovative idea of writing,sending a letter to whoever with less hassle than going to a trip to the post office to have it delivered,stamped,then sent. The trip alone could take you hours considering the hustle ans bustles of the city traffic. Then it would take more or less than three weeks(depends on the distance) before it gets to the reciever,moreover, sometimes it costs too much to have anything delievered. Specially with speed delivery. With the internet, one could just write(or type for this matter,a skill that could be expedited with practice)and send the mail at the comfort of their home, without really having the risk of having callouses that are brought about to us, by pens. This proccess (excluding the typing part coz that's really relative) only takes about 2 seconds(maximum)to be done. A second for finding the send button, and another second for clicking on it. Since then, man has found his convenience with communicating with people around the world. But it didn't stop there. People found ways how to make it easier, basically out of laziness. They're created abbreviations, text grammars, and such to make it easier and faster e.g. brb (be right back), gtg (got to go), hb (hurry back), ttyl (talk to you later), LOL (laugh out load my ever favorite!), and so on and so forth. That type of habit is evident in almost every label, statement, or whatever e.g. BEP(Black Eyed Peas), PCD(Pussycat Dolls), MLTR(Michael Learns To Rock), MCR(My Chemical Romance), PATD(Panic At the Disco), BSB(Backstreet Boys), MMC(Mickey Mouse Club/Multimedia Memory Card), CPK(California Pizza Kitchen), etc. even PRESIDENTS have them. Take PGMA(President Gloria Mcapagal Arroyo) for example. It has become so abundant in the youth's culture that you could probably here conversations that have a lot of those content.
Emo guy texting an emo gay
Emo guy: Hey dude r u going 2 d PATD concert this sat?
Emo gay: No i dont lyk them that much,i was actually going 2 stay home and hav a vdeo marathon of PCD's musicvds, then imit8ing their moves ryt after!
Emo guy: LOL, that sound fun!ill cum ovr at ur house nd maybe we cud make out after?SEB?
Emo gay: Sure!c u there!Gtg, BSB's up and OMG Nick Carter is just so hott!
Emo guy: LMAO!Ayt ttyl!you tc!
Ending: Emo guy turned out to be another emo gay *bows*
I can't believe i'm doing another post about this again. LOL. But since you guys keep requesting for an update about it, i'll gladly fill you in. LOL. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. I know,what's with the Lol's? Well apparently according to someone, you can't trust anyone typing Lol's every once in a while in their blog posts. According to that someone, it's an indication wether a person is lying or not..................SAY WHAAAT?..I guess that explains my little essay. Sorry if i made a big deal out of it. It's just that someone practically used it as solid proof to make me look like i'm lying. But that's beside the point. Solid proof is showing Janina the convo I had with you-know-who. According to her, it proves that what I said about sticking up to Janina wasn't true. I'm gonna quote it directly from her message.
"... I know for a fact that Chip would read this just like the message we exchanged on yahoo. He also told you that the saved chat i sent to you was half of the ending and that he stood up for you before that. I can tell you that, that is untrue. I have the whole document with me now that i have retrieved. I'll send it to you if you want proof, because i know that Chip said he didn't have it cause the proof is against what he said. You want it? But hear this, i think with the document you would still believe Chip no matter what, since that's what lovers do. You're a good person Liah... (I'm sorry, i'm not using Janina cause i'm not used to it. Forgive me.) And i wish that this relationship will turn out well cause i don't like seeing you hurt."
Why didn't you send it to her in the first place? LOLOL. You can send that message to her. Sure. Be my guest. You wouldn't happen to have the reason "Because I didn't want to make you look bad to your girlfriend"?LOL. Well by sending that alone, the last parts of the convo would've already made me look bad to my girlfriend. Why?Why didn't you send the whole thing? It wasn't out of laziness..If it was, you wouldn't have took the time to edit it. And about this line..
"I know that Chip said he didn't have it cause the proof is against what he said."
LOLOLOL. I don't keep messages even from Janina, what more with you? Moreover, I don't keep messages from anyone at all. and YOU know that FOR A FACT.
Ok before moving on, I forgot to make sense with you guys. Sorry. Uhm.. Here's how it went. It was monday morning and my parents and I talked on the phone like we always do every monday and thursday mornings. I get to talk to them for 5 full hours during that time, ever since I broke up with Cheryll. They were always calling, from the day they heard the news, and were always offering me sympathy and stuff, and I always rejected. Simply because I didn't need it. I have Janina with me. "As long as I have Janina, I'm ok", i said to them. But they knew all too well about my past. And somehow, it stuck to them. Like every break-up, even if you don't love the person anymore, it still hurts. Thus, my every Monday and Thursday crying to my parents over the phone. Though in time, you learn to move on, not expecting to find anyone better,but still, you do. If you're lucky,you'd find the best. Hence,..... Janina. My undying love for Janina. And you'd HAVE to say i'm lucky. Coz I find her to be the best. Ever since then my bond with my parents has become stonger, even if you'd say it's only during mondays and thursdays. It's the bond that I have been craving from them.
This will probably sound gay, but I cry up till now everytime they call. They call here, to say something important about me. Even if it's the same group of lines over and over again, it'd still have the same kick to your heart. Just like "I love you", but not exactly. It's something better. It's the love of your parents being expressed through words. It's different when you hear it from your parents. It's different when you hear from their own parted lips, with their own voice, that they care about you. So what do they say everytime they call me?
"We let you be with her eventhough we knew your lifespan was already shortened. We didn't get in the way for you to be with her, so instead of heading home to spend our time with our precious son, we worked for you. To let you have all the best, all you wanted, all you needed. For atleast you'd die happy, being with her and being satisfied with this lifetime of yours. We never wanted anything but the best for our youngest son."
They knew how sad I was, how it all ended up. I know I was the one who initiated the break up. But I didn't want it to go to the next level. The break up was already hard for me, what more with losing contact? It's just so hard to stop caring, specially to the person you spent most of your hard times with. It's just so sad it had to end up that way. Well, upon hearing all that my parents were just sad for me. And they really thought she'd take care of me no matter what. I guess know, they know they were wrong. Thus,...
"We thought you were better.."
That line alone, and with a couple of words for the climatic sequence of the sentence such as "we're not gonna keep this short and straight to the point", were said by my parents through mail. They said it to Cheryll...
They kept it short for a reason. They didn't want to talk much simply because they didn't want to get involved, making a mountain out of a rock. They didn't want things to go bad but they still had to voice out their feelings for their son.... For me. But at the same time, not hurting Cheryll as she have hurt me. Another reason why they kept it short, was because they weren't biased. Cheryll, that was just one line. You're not the only one who got told off. There were hundreds, no, thousands of lines they said to me, for making mistakes such and such. But even so, i couldn't help but cry, not because they're rifling me with hurtful words, no. But because after such a long time, they were teaching me like how most parents would do to their kids. What's cool about my parents is that they listen to their kids' explanation. Coz all people are entitled to do that. Still, my parents were fair, giving me practically 2 hours of getting rifled, and giving you 1 line to read for more or less than 5 seconds. And unfortunately, you took it the wrong way... It was really bad for you. Though it's really fortunate that my parents are just understanding,and they know when to stop..
I just didn't see it coming. My parents sacrificed so much (i don't want to be specific coz it's gonna be sounding like i'm bragging if i post it here, most of you guys know what i'm talking about anyway)but still, you go choose your own bitter way with living your life. I don't even see what's there to be bitter about. Atleast not to the point of losing contact with each other.
Why my parents? And you just had to remind them about the gun thing didn't you? Well it hurt them. It was really wise of them to set their instincts aside and chose to be rational. It was wise of them not to go on replying, making the issue bigger. If you had a son and some girl just came up to you and said "i remember the time your son was being suicidal", wouldn't that hurt you?...
If you're gonna hurt anyone from this, let it be me. Not Janina, nor my parents. Just me....
*sighs* Anyway, uhm.. After having all that charade. I signed into msn and saw her id OL. And told her that it was rude to just reply something like that to my parents. Then went off, then went on again, on yahoo.. And yeah, saw like 5 messages from her. 5 messages, 5 full messages. Why didn't you talk when i was still online? Was it because to avoid hearing what you don't want to hear? Confrontation? You always go replying when i'm already out, not letting me say what's on my side. All I have is this blog. It's not for the intention to put a stain on your name. No. It's because this is all I have. It's a good way to let all the anger out though, i'd tell you that.
I told Janina about everything. Oh by the way, mom and dad already knows her!Lol. Wala lang. I'm just really happy they got in contact with each other, 3 most important people in my life. Uhm, and as a girlfriend of course, Janina got hurt. Because I was hurt. So we spent most of the night, just crying with each other. I was so hurt that she got hurt too. We'd fall asleep together, after crying then waking up the next morning(phil)/in the afternoon(cali) telling each other nonstop how much we love each other. And how our feelings just get so relative.
Guys i'm all tired. And the prof is here. Oh right. I haven't made updates here for a while. Ok, i'll just take a few more minutes off my time for a quick update.
I'm living with my cousins now, along with my uncles. Uhm.. I'm going home anytime soon now, around March-May. Yes it's fo' shizzle!Lol. The reason why they let me stay is because school for me in the Phil doesn't start until June. So yeah. Right now I'm being homeschooled by a Professor from Harvard just to get my brain all oil-ed and pumpin'! So that, not only do I avoid to waste time in the Phil being idle(though I really need it,specially with my friends and of course, my grilfriend), but I also get there just in time for school having my brain all ready! Not only that, atleast Janina could have something to be proud of me. I wanna be the best for her. I wanna do all what I can, as to what she did. Anyway, those were just tidbits of what has been happening. I'm glad you guys like all the songs and YES, those are actually for Janina. I'll be putting up more soon. I doubt they'd all be like the first ones I put up here, as I have such a versatile taste with music. But I hope you guys will like it either way. Thanks for all the tags and the hits!Really, didn't think it would be that big. Thanks again. Take care!
/It ends at this point
7:02 AM
LMAO / Saturday, February 03, 2007
Ok so..LMAO..After posting the post before this, i got into msn to see if my pool friend was on. Been missing pool on yahoo. I didn't see her on though. But there was one person on. Named..........VIGILANTE....LMAO.. Guess who it is. Yep, Cheryll. So...Yeah, i know what i said in the blog post. I said that I hate her,she needs to go to hell, stuff like that. Lol. But i wasn't feeling that way during that time. So I msg-ed her, hoping that she could talk to me again. Because really, her decision with losing contact with me. I found it to be real bullshitty.
I don't know, I'm just that kind of person. I just can't stand losing friends, moreover, cease to care about them. There were a lot of times I've said sorry to people during fights,eventhough it wasn't my fault. I believe it's unnessecary to initiate forgetting about someone, unless they're dead, then you'd really have to let go. But in this case,it was otherwise. So i should tell you how our convo went. Too bad i don't have the actual convo. Anyway.
So we said our hi's right?(not exactly hi's but heck). And after that she was being a "Dahlia". Saying that she doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to have anything to do with me, stuff like that. It's wtf right? I mean, heh. Wow. I remember back then when we were still together she always says to me she doesn't hold grudges. Heh, such a hypocrite. She holds unto it so much that's she's so willing to lose a friends of hers for 4 years. All throughout our convo, Janina wasn't with me. So i was feeling really vulnerable. Heh. I go crazy whenever i'm not getting any attention from her. Hey don't get me wrong, I'm not an attention manwhore just like what Cheryll said. But it was just the moment when I needed Janina the most. So yeah.. I told Cheryll my side. Why losing contact with me is unreasonable. Spent a good few minutes explaining. You tell me guys. Is it a good decision to lose contact with me? I mean.. Lol. I know I've lied about my virginity, and also about a few stuff. But there's no need to refer to those stuff as "everything". She goes all like "EVERYTHING'S A LIE!!YOU'RE A LIE".. Lol. It was just about a few things. A few MINOR things I lied about...so that I could be someone she could be proud of. It may have been a personality tweaker but I'm the same person. I really meant everything i said to her back then when I loved her. All those things I told her as we chatted, then it'd be by around 5am when i'm all done telling her. Yeah, it WAS that strong. But I guess she didn't consider that. I don't think she even remembers. Not even the time when I got hit on the back with a baseball bat when I fought for her. Lol. Oh well. So like I told before, I was feeling real vulnerable and said things I should not have said. Lol, her head must be all biiiiiiiiiiig by now. Even acted all suicidal just to make her stay online. And I was BEGGING(again) for her to talk to me again. Janina, see how weak I go when you're not around?Lol. But my baby was tired, that was understandable She made it up to me after a while anyway ;p. *clears throat* ANYWAY. Lol.
Another thing that pissed me off was what she said about me always wanting attention....................
Guys, you know me. What do you have to say about that? Lol. All I gotta say is, wow that's the complete opposite of me. Attention for me isn't like air for me to breathe. Yeah i crave for attention sometimes but that just means I really want it. Coz i barely beg for any. She was being a hypocrite again. I'm gonna show you some old blogspot, found it earlier on my old blog.
From "Official Retired From Ran", dated march 16, 2006
left RAN. Yup, i am now officially RAN-free. Lol. Cheryll was feeling neglected, whenever i play RAN, might as well post "go away" on my status. That's how addicted i was. So, can't exactly blame Cheryll for feeling that way. We got into a fight lastnight. It really hit me when she sort of told me that she wanted to adjust. She even wanted to set up some sort of schedule for it. I hate schedules, i'm one very lazy teenager. She knows that, and should've kept that in mind. But that wasn't really the reason why i was all mad. I just didn't want to change anything. i want them to stay this way. But we both concluded that to be able to retain things, i have to give RAN up.---
Ok, for all of you who doesn't know. RAN is an online game I used to be addicted too. And giving it up was like losing AIR FOR ME TO BREATH. Videogames, what i can't live without, not attention, i've had enough of attention. So yeah, as it is written there, she had me give the game up, and also some things like.. racing, parties, etc. I sacrificed a lot, just so to give her all the attention she required of me giving. That included like. 98% of my time. Ask all my friends where I have been during the whole 18/19 months. They can't answer that because they don't know. Lol, they don't know where I've been coz i didn't hang out that much with them. Yeah, I sacrificed that much for her.
So i was pretty much being annoyed with everything she's saying. So i annoyed that I got frustrated, even desperate. I never wanted to hate her. But the moment she laughed at me, she left me no choice but to despise her, or even, be disgusted of her.
I then realized that she's a waste of time. Always have been. She wasted 4 years of my life. She's not worth any attention, nor apologies. All she's worth are pities. I pity her for not seeing her own flaws, hence, making her a hypocrite. I pity her for holding grudges. If you're gonna be like that then might as well post "NO DEVIRGINIZED PEOPLE ALLOWED" on your door. Or maybe "NO LIARS". Conduct a survey and find out how many people haven't lied in their whole lives. THERE ARE NONE. Be realistic for once.
That was all done. Swore she wouldn't hear anything from me again, this time, I said it without regret. As I said before, it's not my loss. After going offline Janina finally woke up! Lol, of course i was all pissy at first but that turned around instantly in less than 30 mins,even 15. Then we stayed up for a while, just talking. Yep, just talking ;p. Lol. And being with her again, reassured me of what i really need, and want and differentiated it from what I'd be better without and despised. Being with her, it's a totally different thing. Everything just falls right into place.
So after a few hours was practically the greatest night(my time..lol) i've ever had because of soooooooooome reasons. Lol. Janina knows what I'm talking about, don't you baby?=). We were having a good time just chatting online. Made lambing and all. Until SHE went ol on yahoo. Lol, I was on invi back then with a couple of people including her. Coz I don't really want to be disturbed by random people while talking to Janina. So she goes messaging me "you ok aye?" "chip I know you're there" and stuff. Lol, when I found out she messaged Janina, I had to message her back to keep her away. And also to let her know that I liked it when she was away. Lol. Ang sakit kasi sa mata ng ID niya being online on my list=p. It's like seeing a dead stinky rose with fresh, fragrant ones. So yeah, tried to shoo her away but she was being busy making me look bad with Janina.
She showed her convo with me yesterday morning, showed it to Janina with undoubtful intentions to make me look bad. I laughed my ass off when I saw what she sent Janina. It was a teeny weeny part of it. Lol. She showed all those messages when i was all frustrated and desperate already. Didn't show all those parts wherein I was sticking up for Janina. The thing is, I already told Janina what happened. I admitted I begged and stuff. I admitted I was weak that time. Mainly because she wasn't with me but who could blame her, my baby was really tired. Anyway, the point is, she already knew. So cheryll practically came online for nothing but get herself humiliated, or even insulted. Lol. Janina showed me parts of the convo. And seeing her fight for me, heh.. Wow. They say that girls like it when guys fight for their girlfriends. Put up a fight or even sacrifice a lot for her. It makes them feel secured being with the guy. What most girls don't know, that's actually a two-way thing. Guys also like it when girls fight for them. It's just special when someone makes you feel safe.
I'm so lucky to have Janina. I mean with all those rivals?(yihee laki ulo nyan..LOL). She's one of the smartest people I know. And, ever since the start, she's been always sticking up for me. No matter how bad i've been in the past. Bah i'm repeating myself, Lol. All of it is in the post before this one. About me being a puppy and some mushy stuff. Lol. I just feel so happy and content being with her. It's not like with the other.. None like it at all. It's something more intimate that having two souls bound together. I'm being mushy again.
Anyway, I don't remember how the actual convo went. But it was something Janina said. Lol, and Cheryll replying back being all stubborn and close-minded not considering other people's opinions. Cheryll went offline with her original statement(which really didn't make any sense)and without saying goodbye. Lol. That's so like her. She runs away whenever she gets herself in a tight spot. After she went offline me and Janina stay a little while more to play some yahoo games. Lol. It's cool. Had real fun with her. She beat me in both pool and toki toki boom. You guys should check that game out some time. It's something like bricks, that game you get from the 1st gameboy. Lol.
Wow made a really long post. I'm all tired. I'll keep you guys posted from now on. Don't worry, no more mysterious disappearances from the blog scene. Guys who support us, thanks!P, Sasha.. thanks!You all take care..
I LOVE JANINA!=D
/It ends at this point
10:20 PM
After practically disappearing from the blog scene for how many months, what can I say?2006 was a blast. I've finally found someone who'd stick with me all throughout,despite my nasty side. And surprise surprise, it wasn't my girlfriend of 18 months,or 19,or whatever. I don't really care anymore because IT is over and i'm GLAD. I've finally found someone whom has accepted me, the whole me. Including all my bad habits,my weaknesess, and everything! I just love her so much. We've been together since My ex and I broke up.
Don't get me wrong. She's not someone I used to get over Cheryll. She's the one who SAVED me from her. The one who made me realize that Cheryll wasn't the one for me. You know that feeling? It's like... being a puppy,in the middle of the rain, only having a small cardboard box near a trash can to sleep in. Then a little girl with a relatively little umbrella comes along and keeps you. Regardless of what breed you are, what color, or even how you smell like. That's the feeling I got with Janina. Heh, no matter what I did in the past, no matter who or what I am, she still took me in and served warm milk for me, bought me a collar, and gave me a warm basket to sleep in. No matter how i misbehaved, she never put me in the doggie cage nor tied me up on a leash. =)
Year 2007, it's been almost 4 months since we've been together and i'm having an even bigger blast! Specially that (insert name here) is out of my hair. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad ex, not bad at all. You could go ask all my ex's (except her) to know. They're all still my friends(again,except for HER). Lol,she's the only one i'm not friends with anymore. Why? It's was her choice. Lol. It was her choice to waste 4 years of friendship away. You know at first, I didn't want that. I mean, I still wanted to talk to her and stuff,shit like that. But she ended up avoiding me. Though I admit,it was my fault. But it was the only way to get to talk to her again. It was to give her what she wanted.
I told her lies. Lies about me not being to get over her, and about me and Janina breaking up coz I still love her. All those are just lies. I know it was wrong,specially about me and Janina breaking up but it was what she wanted to hear. Otherwise, if I said something different, she wouldn't talk to me and I didn't want that. I may not love her anymore but I still care about her. Well, used too. Now i just ended up hating her. I wanted to keep our friendship but nooooooooo... Lol. Well it's her loss anyway, not mine.
I even sent her this message when 2006 ended, saying sorry, begging and stuff. I know, it's not like me to beg and it happens on VERY rare occassions. What did I get back? Some rants about all my weaknesses,all the lies i've told, and all the "crimes" i've commited. It was total bullcrap on a bull's ass. She held everything i've done wrong against me. Didn't even remember the things I did for her. Plus she made Janina look stupid in her blog. And that pissed me off. Lol. She thought Janina didn't know about the break-up lie I told her. The thing is.... She did. Had permission from her. So no, i didn't make a bimbo out of her. She bad-mouthed some stuff about me too such as
1. I did drugs
2. I have a short temper
3. I lost my virginity to a 17 year old when i was 13
4. I hate being corrected
5. I'm a bad boyfriend
Well, Janina knows all that. But still, I'm still sleeping in the warm basket she gave me=). So i can't help but be proud of those and shout out "I AM A DRUG ADDICT WHO PUTS FIGHTS WITH EVERYONE. WHO LOST HIS VIRNITY AT A VERY YOUNG AGE INSIDE A CAR. WHO HATES BEING CORRECTED. AND WHO IS A BAD BOYFRIEND!!!".
You see the thing is...
1. I did drugs coz I didn't know what to do with Cheryll, not because i couldn't forget about her(yes that was i lie).
2. I have a short temper, it's part of my personality and you have to accept that. Most people did.
3. It was special coz it was with a very special girl.
4. I don't hate being corrected. I just like fighting for my own beliefs. Lol,that's why I want to become a lawyer. . She's the one who hates being corrected. Very close-mided she is indeed.
5. Well.. Ask all my past gfs if this one is true..
6. (additional) It was really inconsiderate, immature, stupid, REALLY stupid, close-minded(yes close-minded), egocentric of her to say all those stuff.
Well enough bad mouthing..FOR TODAY.. Lol
Anyway. Sorry, just got pissed she made Janina look stupid. So let's move on shall we? To my daily experience of bliss with Janina! Lol.
Things have been great. Though we had this little argument not having enough time for each other but after that..like..5 mins later you wouldn't think we just had a fight. Lol. After a couple of hours, we went online and chatted.. Uhm, i guess it was partly because of the fight we had earlier, why she said sorry she's not someone i could be proud of. Lol, i told her i wasn't looking for someone whom i could be proud of, i'm looking for someone who i could spend the rest of my life with. I know it's a bit corney. But it's true. Though she's both. Someone i'm proud of and someone who i could spend the rest of my life with=D. I mean, what's not to love about her? She's smart, cute(ayan na!pangit!), caring (uber caring), sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet(lol), sexeh(LOLOL), and realistic. Those are just a few of the reasons why I love her.
One major reason has to be because she accepts me for who i am, what i am,what i can be or what i have been. She accepts both my strengths and weaknesses. It's cool, never had someone like that before. So Janina, i know you'll be reading this. Yiheee....Lol, anyway, Thanks for everything. Thanks for putting up with all my crap(not to mention my videos..LOL). Uhm.. Thanks for bringing out the best in me..Just want you to know that everything i do is for you..Heh, i want you to know how important you are and how big of an impact you've made. Mahal Kita ^_^.. I've never been so happy in my whole life. Thanks...
Edit: Sorry for putting this post down for a couple of hours.. Had to, Lol.. But hey, it's my blog..So i'm putting it back on..
/It ends at this point
4:58 AM
For Silent Hill Fans / Monday, November 27, 2006
Don't read if you don't like Silent Hill 2. Anyway,this is a theory of mine..Spoilers galore. This started out with a 2-page outline of ideas and details, and now it turned out to be a 5 page essay.
Mary Shepherd-Sunderland stayed at Brookhaven Hospital
Initially I’d believed this all to be false: that it was impossible for Mary Sheperd-Sunderland to have stayed at Brookhaven Hospital for any length. However, upon investigating the game further. I came to the realization that there was much more purpose to Brookhaven than just another creepy locale.
I, too, assumed Brookhaven was only a hospital for the mentally unstable. Its appearance suggests this—from the padded cells to the secured hallways, to the memorable patients—but something suggests otherwise: the first floor. There’s nothing particularly unsettling about the C-hallway: they’re all normal-sized rooms, with normal beds and normal doors, leading me to believe that the first floor does not cater to the extremely disturbed patients, but more so for general treatment—which the hospital was originally built for (the photo in the Historical Society: “... built in response to a great plague that followed a wave of immigration to this area.”)
Brookhaven Hospital’s security systems are only employed on the second and third floors. To gain access to either main hallway, one must enter a four-digit numbered code, each of which are changed regularly to ensure safety. The three extreme patients encountered in the game—Joseph Barkin, Jack Davis, Joshua Lewis—are only mentioned on the second and third floors: no trace of them or their behavior—their writing, scribbling, or messages—can be found in the C-hallway, suggesting that these three cases, each noted as being violent, are to be kept away from others. Even in Silent Hill 3, patients Leonard Wolfe and Stanley Coleman—both of whom are described as being “violent” (“... becomes very violent when overexcited” and “This has caused violent incidents; use caution”—are roomed in the S-hallway—the third floor. The first floor, however, is entirely different: There’s a garden open to its residents, and even a pool. The rooms are larger in size, and there’s no security code required to enter the C-hallway: It’s a much safer area than the top two floors.
Why, then, would Mary, terminally ill, be sent to a hospital used predominantly for mental health?, rather than somewhere like Alchemella, an all-round general hospital?
Because Mary was mentally ill: She suffered severe depression and wished to die—a very common reason for treatment at such a hospital.
Let’s look at things Mary says, in person & her letters:
- I’m pathetic, weak. Not everyone can be strong.
- I don’t want to cause any more trouble for anyone, but I’m a bother either way. Can it really be such a sin to run instead of fight? ... It may be selfish, but it’s what I want.
- I’m no use to anyone.
- I’ll be dead soon anyway.
- It’d be easier if they’d just kill me.
From the NMHA (the National Mental Health Association), characteristics & signs of a person contemplating suicide are as follows:
- Verbal suicide threats such as, “You’d be better off without me.” or “Maybe I won’t be around.”
- Expressions of hopelessness and helplessness.
- Previous suicide attempts.
- Daring or risk-taking behavior.
- Personality changes.
- Depression.
- Giving away prized possessions.
- Lack of interest in future plans.
In those five statements alone, she makes verbal threats, expresses hopelessness, an extreme change in personality, indicates depression, and has no interest in her future—or even the remote chance of recovering. And that’s even with Laura acting as a salubrious friend that has been suggested to have helped Mary with her illness.
Mary wasn’t always hospitalized at Brookhaven. In actuality, she was there very briefly—one week at the most. For the majority of the time she was ill, she was at another hospital entirely: St. Jerome’s of Ashfield.
Given that James’ father, Frank, owned & operated the South Ashfield Heights Apartments, only a few blocks from St. Jerome’s, it’s safe to assume that the couple lived here in town, near his father & father-in-law. Also of importance is that Mary’s nurse, Rachael/Rachel (hereon referred to simply as Rachel), was employed at St. Jerome’s and lived in the apartments Frank Sunderland owned.
During James & Mary’s trip to Silent Hill, when the videotape at Lakeview Hotel was shot, Mary’s inchoate disease began to develop. After it had progressed further along, it’s evident Mary was hospitalized at St. Jerome’s for treatment. After being diagnosed, her doctor explained to James that the illness was terminal: When asked, How long does she have?, the doctor responds, “Three years at most... Perhaps six months... It’s impossible to say with certainty.”
It’s here that Mary spent an indeterminate amount of time, hospitalized, away from her husband & and cut off from her own life. Two years pass—one year before the events of Silent Hill 2—since her illness is first apparent, and Mary meets and befriends a seven-year-old orphan: Laura. (“I met Mary at the hospital. It was last year.”)
As the illness exacerbated, her mental health declined as well: she slid further into lethargy & depression and began to believe death to be more propitious to herself and James (“The thing I'm weak to is reality. It's not like just anyone can live strongly.” “It may be selfish but I'd be happy with that.”).
The doctors know that Mary wanted nothing more than to see Silent Hill again, despite James’ absence. The memory of James bringing Mary flowers is, so I believe, one of—if not the—final time James visits Mary at St. Jerome’s—it may even be because of this conversation that the following occurred, but I do believe that this is one of the last times James sees his wife alive.
It became apparent that both Mary’s physical and mental condition was worsening: her illness wasn’t getting any better, and she “struck out at everyone.” The doctors felt that the best thing for her was to grant her wish, and, more importantly, attempt to alleviate her depression—at the very least allow her a modicum of happiness before she passes away. They decide to do both: They transfer her to Brookhaven Hospital. Before she leaves though, she writes a letter to Laura:
When you get this letter I've left to Rachel, I won't be in this hospital anymore. I've gone to a very far and quiet place so I'm sorry that I left without saying anything. I can't come back now but Laura, be happy (take care of yourself). Don't trouble the sisters so much.
Also, you may have hated James and did not go to meet him, he may be brusque (blunt), doesn't smile a lot and a bit short-tempered of a person but really, he's very kind so if anything happens, please help James.
Laura, I loved you like a daughter. If my sickness was curable I felt I would make you into my real daughter.
To Laura's 8th birthday. Mary.
There are four important parts in this letter: “...I won't be in this hospital anymore,” “I’ve gone to a very far and quiet place...”, “I’m sorry that I left without saying anything,” and, of course, “Happy 8th birthday.”
The line last, preceding what we learn from Laura—that she “turned eight last week”—proves that Mary did not, in fact, die three years ago, but was still alive as recent as seven days ago. In conjunction with the first part of the letter—“I’m far away now”—Mary wasn’t telling Laura that she was dead, rather she was going to that “very far and quiet (beautiful) place” she talked about all the time: Silent Hill. This wasn’t a messaged used to confuse a child in reference to Heaven or an Afterlife, it’s just a message, I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye, but I’m okay now, where I wanted to be. This is why Laura comes looking for Mary in Silent Hill: she, too, believes she’s alive—and knows that this is where Mary wanted to be more than anything.
Laura: You’re here to find Mary, aren’t you, James? Well… have you?
James: No… Is that why you’re here too?
Laura: She’s here, isn’t she? If you know where she is, tell me! I’m tired of walking.
James: I wish I knew…
Laura: But she said it in her letter…
When Mary was transferred to Brookhaven, she’s, unfortunately, without the familiar faces of St. Jerome’s. So I believe she brought along some things to keep her occupied: teddy bears, the one’s that Laura would always play with, the one’s that Laura loved—and may well have given to Mary; and a diary. It is here that, without the presence of either James or Laura, she begins writing in it, as a way to pass her time—what little of it she has left—, and to document her emotions and her final days.
In this diary, leading up to the days before her death, Mary hasn’t come to grips with her impending death. She apologizes for it, goes so far as to blame herself, but still states she’d rather die now than wait. Yet she’s unable to kill herself.
The days pass. The weather doesn’t change. She finally comes to grips with her illness: she knows she’s going to die; it’s inevitable. Mary blames herself for what has happened to her, and for all that she’s done to James. Mary’s told by the doctors that she has to leave: her health is deteriorating fast and she ought to be home with her husband. She writes her final letter to James, telling him that, despite her illness, her disease, her moods, she is “at my last moment,” that she “want(s) to write and put an end to this.” During her last day at Brookhaven, as she’s writing this letter, the sun begins to shine, and she is told she’s “been released - that [she’s] got to go home.” She writes her final diary entry and leaves it there, for whomever to find. She gives the letter she’s written to James to the nurse, to be given to him when she’s released—presumably because she can’t express her feelings to him in-person, precisely why she writes a letter to begin with.
The diary itself mimics, in tone & content, the letter she’s written to James, which chronologically fits considering they were written right after the other. And, in the diary, on May 11th, the day before she’s released, Mary writes: I wonder if the medicine-soaked me is the real me. When she speaks with James for one of the final times, she tells him: Between the disease and the drugs, I look like a monster, and everything she says makes the audience question whether or not this is the actual Mary, or instead what the disease & drugs has made her become. Even James seems to question it.
When James arrives to pick her up, Mary’s nurse gives James the letter and reads the first page. Whether he takes her home or to an unknown location is up to the audience—I personally believe he takes her somewhere in Silent Hill we’ve never seen before—but wherever it is, he ultimately kills her. He puts the body in the trunk of his car and leaves the area. On the way out of town, he remembers the letter—as much of it as he had read—and creates his delusion: that Mary died three years ago, and that she’s waiting for him in Silent Hill.
He parks at the Overlook, just outside of town; the road is blocked due to construction, and the place is deathly ill—silent, sorry. The game begins here.
There are several other interesting things to note about Brookhaven Hospital. One is on the map James carries—or what isn’t on the map. Brookhaven, as a building, a little purple dot, is present, just south of Heaven’s Night—also on the map. What’s peculiar is that Brookhaven Hospital isn’t named on the map; there’s nothing to indicate that it’s a hospital. According to this theory, the reason Mary states “We promised to go there someday, the two of us, but because of me, it never came true” is because James didn’t come to Brookhaven with Mary, but instead, Mary came alone—thus: they didn’t go together, so not just “the two of us.” And, if that’s the case, could it be that the reason Brookhaven doesn’t show up on the map is because of James’ memory repression?, and that, to him, it was just another building on a map? Heather carries the same map as James, but to her, Brookhaven Hospital is clearly marked. Why, then, would it not be for James?, and James only?
Laura seems to run in there with a purpose; James merely follows. As it turns out, this hospital has more relevance to James’ journey than he realizes—which goes to show that Laura, despite being a snotty, little brat, has a very distinct purpose as well: to lead James along; a Cheshire Cat, if you will. Without her, James would be just as lost as he was when he first strolled into town.
This also implies that Laura had a specific reason for coming to Brookhaven. Mary told Laura in her letter that I won't be in this hospital anymore, which, to a little girl, especially, would imply I’ll be at another hospital. She checks the first one she comes across, and she happens to be correct. There are several indications, even to Laura, that Mary stayed in, and she strikes gold on the first floor, in room C2: the teddy bears. And, along her way, she happens across a letter from Mary, addressed to James, which proves to Laura that she’s here in town—specifically at Brookhaven.
Another interesting thing to note is Maria’s reaction to the [otherside], specifically on the first floor. On any floor, in every other room, Maria acts normally: a blank stare, straight ahead, or at James. The first floor, however, coming off of the elevator, Maria acts noticeably different. (Keep in mind, too, that you never have to take Maria to the first floor, but if you do, you have the chance to see her act—more importantly: react—in a way you can’t see elsewhere.
With her back to James, her face to the wall, it seems there’s something about the first floor she doesn’t want to see or be reminded of. Being an aspect of Mary, replete with her reticent memories, this is a glimpse into the side of Mary that Maria couldn’t prevent from making itself known—same with her outburst in the basement, and how she feels “like it’s up to me to protect her (Laura).”
If this display meant nothing, that the first floor held no significance to Maria, then it wouldn’t have been available at all; she would’ve acted the same as she does coming off of the elevator on any floor. But it’s only this floor. The floor where Laura stops to play with the bears she happens to love—that even Maria knows she loves—and in that very room, in the [otherside], is the sound of glass-smashing. And, of course, it’s well known that sound plays an important & crucial role in determining past events in Silent Hill, and there just so happens to the sound of something glass crashing against the floor. What’s smashing? Perhaps a vase of flowers given to her by James; a vase that afterwards she smashed, because “I don’t deserve any flowers… I’m disgusting.” This, then, is where I believe spent her remaining days at Brookhaven Hospital: Room C2, on the first floor.
Finally: the [otherside] itself. In Silent Hill 2, the [otherside] appears only twice: at Brookhaven Hospital, and the Lakeview Hotel. Why these two places? Why not Woodside/Blue Creek Apartments? We know that the couple didn’t spend any time at the apartments during their vacation—they stayed together at Lakeview Hotel—and we know that James didn’t stay at Brookhaven Hospital, so why did it change if the [otherside]’s presence is because of him? Simply put: It’s not.
Lakeview Hotel reverts to a reflection of its actual self: a burnt-out husk of a building, similar to Nowhere of the previous Silent Hill. Brookhaven Hospital, however, acts differently, and even the shift between what James was experiencing before the shift is a memory of Mary: She’s carted, from the Examination Room, down the hallway, crying out for James, “praying that you’ll come and meet me… while gazing at the unchanging ceiling.” If this scene occurs for absolutely no reason, then it goes entirely against what everyone has said about Silent Hill 2: That everything has importance, nothing is insignificant. This one thirty-second clip, this glimpse into Mary’s life, suggests that there’s more emphasis in Brookhaven Hospital in relation to Mary than people had originally accredited—and they still don’t.
If Team Silent didn’t want people to believe that Mary spent anytime in Brookhaven Hospital, they wouldn’t have left so many clues suggesting it—whether anyone feels they’re blatant or not. The developers could’ve easily made the hospital just another “spooky area.” They didn’t. They included so many “little things” that amount to an overwhelming “big thing” it’s absurd. Personally, these are all very clear indications that Mary stayed here—there is no doubt in my mind—and to think otherwise cheapens the game & its meanings drastically, which clearly shouldn’t be the case. If that is the case, then things such as Mary’s dress in the apartments, lighting James’ way, the recurring television from room 312, the identical door leading to Angela in the apartments’ bedroom & in the Labyrinth, the dead body in the refrigerator and Eddie dying in a refrigerator—all of these things should be overlooked, ignored, avoided, shrugged-off, passed-over, and regarded as meaningless; as just visual fluff.
That, however, is not what Team Silent wanted. They wanted you to look closer.
/It ends at this point
8:05 PM
Hangover / Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Hey guys, been a long time. Sorry about that. Right after halloween we had to go to this charity luncheon. By the way halloween was fun. Gave out all this candy they were like, over 50 bags. LOL. 50 bags of butterfinger, crunch, hershey's bar, reese's, toblerone, and a whole lot more.
So what's been happening with me since then? Uhm. Nothing much. Just got home from the beach. It was really nice, since it was a hot day at the beach for autumn. LOL. We didn't really go surfing, swimming, and all that because the water was too cold. So what we did, we set up a barbeque grill and just started grilling stuff. You know?Lol, had this little cook out going on down at the beach. Lol. Wow, i'm sloppy at story-telling today. I'm actually not in the mood to write right now. But this is just for the sake of updating you guys.
/It ends at this point
11:17 PM
Halloween Californication / Tuesday, October 31, 2006
So as all of you may know, This is my first halloween here in California. And, everything's slightly new to me. I mean, compared to the halloween back in the Philippines, the holiday here is much more bigger and much more grand. In the Philippines, there's not much when it's Halloween back there. They have halloween partues also you know, but you have to go to some club or some event to party in your costume. Unlike here, they're holding parties pretty much at every street. In the Philippines, Halloween for us is just going to the cementary and praying. Then we go home feeling all disgusted because we were lying on the ground,which had dead people underneath, all day. Here it's like, all those kids dress up and knock on your door, and be surprised by the amount of work they put into their costume, then you give them candy. It's actually fun.
Unfortunately for me, I'm not allowed to go out. So i'm stuck here while all my cousins go to Edgar Allan Poe's house and also his grave. So, before I get into my costume(LOL yeah costume, i'm dressing up as a prince) and get all busy with the kids, here's a treat for you. I know this is lame, but i just wanted to get you guys into the spirit of the holiday, just like how I did.
Here's some ghost pics.
Tony writes, "I don't know how to describe the picture... b' coz I got from an e-mail.. my uncle sent it to me... I heard the story bout the pic.. it's taken at johor.. I heard that someone died there.. 2 people were drowned... that's all I know bout the pic...
I was looking at our MLS listing site and came across this picture. Its a house that is for sale so I don't know the history or the exact age of the house as its not in the listing. Some people have told me that its a reflection of the sun off the mirror but to me I see a pair of sneakers on the steps. And if you look above them you can kind of see the hem of a skirt or something else. Anyone have an opinion or can tell me if it really is just a reflection.
Ok, so, blogspot won't allow me to post anymore pictures...Wow...If you guys want to check out more. Go here. http://www.ghostplace.com. Sorry for the inconvenience. NOT MY FAULT. Happy Halloween.
/It ends at this point
1:01 AM
Dumb Logan.. / Monday, October 30, 2006
I was actually excited to sign in earlier because I was excited to write about, what I'm writing about now. LOL. But before going into my blog to start typing, yapping, and waste like, 2 minutes of your life with my crap, one of the blogs that was displayed on the dashboard caught my attention. So i clicked it right? And saw his posts, there was actually this this video post about Kingdom Hearts and it was fuckin' hilarious. HAHA! I'm keeping my blog media free. Well, except for music and flash cartoons. But I just want to keep this one clean, unlike my past blogs which was just full of videos, Final Fantasy pictures and crap. So i'm not embedding it. But if you guys want to check it out, i mean, really, i'm telling you to check it out. Just click on the blue thing, and here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b8G8delDlk
So yeah, uhm. You're probably wondering about the title. And I really don't know how to start this.
Well decided to start this way. Uhm, you'd actually know what exactly i'm talking about only if you read my tagbox. I mean, look at that. People are actually that I write stuff like these. I mean, they actually think I'm dumb. The thing is, I'm not. Ok maybe I am, but, you know. I still have a lot to say about different things. Specially about religion and the social norms. It's just that I shut up about it all the time. Because people actually think It's weird for me to say all those stuff. I don't know why. But they just do. I go talk about politics and they go all like "Dude?!What are you talking about?Think about the championship man" or like i go up to this girl and start talking about food and she's all like "I didn't know you knew the difference between a frankfurter and a sausage". Like what the fuck. I feel like I'm in this fucking disney movie called Highschool Musical. Ok, maybe it's my fault that people think of me that way. I mean, it was my choice to shut up. But people don't actually pay attention to any of my academic achievements. Most of them focus on my extra-curriculars. I even participate in intelligent conversations with this girl.
This girl. Her name is actually Janina, but others know her as Liah. Though she's from the Philippines, we've never met. I've known her for over four years and we've never met. Well it's because before, when i was there, i was really busy, and we really didn't talk much. We started talking again just lastyear. And she's really great. I mean, she always helped me with my girlfriend, uhm, whom is my ex now. She's done a lot of great things for me. And, i could talk to her just about any random shit that comes to my head. Including all the things I can't really talk about to others. Like politics, religion, morality, uhm. Anything...
And every conversation with her, is like a mind fucking experience like uhm, I don't know. She's the only person i could pour my thoughts into. And she accepts all of that openly. I mean, yeah she still has her opinions but she considers listening and understanding mine. It's hard to find open people. It's hard to find people like her. We talk about random stuff for like, hours. And, she's the only one who really knows and understands what's going on inside my head. And she actually thinks I'm smart and some kind of universal genuis. Heh. Got really flattered with that because she's one of the few people who's said that to me. It's like, there's only a handful of them you could even count their total with your fingers. But hearing it from her, this girl who has a lot to say about life, it's like...MIND FUCKING. It's great, it's a great warm feeling you get from inside.
Sometimes, when we talk, i really don't have much to say anymore because she has said all that needs to be said. It's just, our thoughts jive with each other. They don't clash, they jive. And dance around together. LOL. And having nothing to say anymore, makes me take back what I said in the 3rd paragraph. I'm dumb. And I'm dumb for this girl named Janina.
/It ends at this point
4:48 AM